Memories
by Kkarrie
Summary: Shawn thinks about his dad. Tag to Santabarbara Town. :Spoilers: :Character Death:


Shawn didn't remember exactly what happened between the time he ran out of the station and out to the parking lot to his bike. He didn't remember how he knew where Jerry lived. He only remembered getting there too late.

He'd gotten to the beach first, followed a few minutes by the blaring sirens of Lassiter and Juliet, along with an ambulance. It was too little, too late. Shawn had to be pulled away from the body. He remembered giving Lassiter a black eye to match the one on his own face. Then he wanted to ride in the ambulance, but the EMTs gently told him it wouldn't matter; they weren't going to the hospital. Shawn had collapsed into Juliet's arms. She held him and whispered "Oh, Shawn," her own emotions taking over. That one small phrase completely conveying all her sympathy and her own grief.

Time passed in its normal fashion despite the funeral. Shawn wasn't sure what sucked the most, the funeral itself or the week after. During the funeral everyone was around to distract him. To tell him what a great cop his dad had been and what a great guy Henry was.

The hard part was that for the months that followed everything Shawn did was without his dad. The first time he was called in on a case without Henry. The first time Shawn needed to stash a client away in a safe place and immediately thought of his dad's house, only to remember that it wasn't an option anymore. Then there was those random times that Shawn's stomach rolled and his body was wracked with emotions.

This wasn't the first time it had happened. The sudden overwhelming feeling of sorrow and loss in the middle of a perfectly normal day. It was the memory of feeling his mother's arms wrapped around him as her choked sobs came out. He was hugging her just as tight. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry. He was sorry that he'd been stupid to assume that the case was closed. He wanted to tell her he was sorry for not making it in time. He wanted to tell her that for one time in his life he realized the importance of ten minutes.

The first time had been at the grocery store. The man three people ahead of him in line was wearing the same ball cap that his dad wore and the word "Dad" was on the tip of his tongue before he caught himself. Before he realized that it was impossible for it to be Henry.

Then it had happened a coffee shop. Shawn sat there feeling empty and wondering if anyone else could tell that he was grieving. Wondering if anyone could see the hole in his heart where his dad should go.

The next time he had been driving. It was about three months after it had happened. It was a sunny day and the wind was blowing gently. He was singing along to a song on the radio and then in the back of his head he heard Henry's voice. It was that tone that his dad got when he called Shawn on the phone. He always said the same thing after Shawn answered, "Shawn, it's your dad,". Shawn would have given Gus' left leg to hear that voice again. Sometimes he would lie in bed around three in the morning having a slight panic attack that he would forget what that voice sounded like. That fear was silly, he knew he would never forget. But at three in the morning your brain is far from rational.

Now, Shawn was sitting in his living room, the episode of Magnum had just ended and Shawn was getting ready to head to bed. Juliet had gone to bed hours before. He didn't know why the act of folding a blanket and putting a DVD back in its case reminded him of his dad. But it did, and Shawn found himself sitting on the couch, tears spilling unchecked down his face. He was beginning to wonder if these moments would ever stop. What if he broke down in the middle of a crime scene because the victim owned the same tacky fish decorations that his dad had bought?

He sighed and looked over to the mantle. There was a picture of his dad, the flag from the funeral and his hat. He had told his mom to take them, but she had pressed the hat into his hands and firmly refused. Next to the hat on the shelf was Henry's knife. It didn't matter that he'd given it to Shawn, it was and would always be Henry's. Shawn didn't like carrying it anyway, it made his pocket look funny.

He wiped away the wet streaks on his cheeks. Juliet was going to start wondering where he was. He had promised her only three more episodes when she had gone to bed. He slowly stood and walked down the hallway. Hearing in the back of his mind that familiar rumbling voice say, "Good night, Shawn,"

"Good night, Dad," Shawn whispered, turning out the lights. Maybe tomorrow he wouldn't break down.


End file.
